A Boob Job For The Teeth!

Things are changing! I drove to the city to see the dentist today. I guess I’ve been going so much lately to the city it was a pleasant drive until I started to get off the interstate. Traffic backed up and some lady misjudged her speed and had to go to the right almost in a ditch to miss hitting the back end of my car. Luckily she didn’t go into the ditch and both cars came out unscratched. I finally found a parking space and hobbled to the dental clinic. When I went to check in they told me my appointment wasn’t until tomorrow the third. I told them I was supposed to have some extractions and then an upper denture put in today. So they sent me to the fourth floor (Dental Surgery), and they told me the same thing about my appointment being the third. I then went back to the second floor and talked to the student/doctor coordinator. She set out trying to find my student and after waiting around for about forty-five minutes she finds my student and I was right. It is today that I was supposed to be there. There was some mix-up in scheduling, but they got that fixed. So back to the fourth floor I went for the extractions. The worst part, as usual, was the needles and novocaine. The whole thing lasted about ten minutes and zap they were gone. Then they put the denture in and took me back to the second floor. The student bought her teacher in and he looked at the denture and the fit. He told me there were only a few teeth that came out and that the fit was good so there was no problem and nothing to worry about.

Even with the mix up in scheduling and other things I was feeling pretty good about everything until the teacher started talking “Dentist Speak” to me. Usually after any type of surgery or extraction they’ll tell you it might be a little “sensitive”. What they’re really saying is “This might hurt like hell, but I’m not going to tell you that. I don’t know if it will hurt or not, but since I told you it would be sensitive, you’ll think of yourself as a big wimp and put up with the pain because it might be a little sensitive.” But he went past sensitive straight to no problem and nothing to worry about. In “Dentist Speak” this means, “Man oh man, I wouldn’t be you if they promised me the world”. Along with the no problem he told me to keep the dentures in until they saw me tomorrow morning. In “Dentist Speak” again, it meant that no matter the pain, they had to stay in or the gums would swell and they’d never get the dentures back in until much later. So as he was leaving he told me to go home and take some Advil and that should, I repeat should, take care of it. That’s when the bubble burst.

With my dentures in and sounding like Daffy Duck with a heavy Southern drawl I told him to stop right there. I told him if he thought I was going to drive two hours home and wait to see if Advil would take care of it that he was wrong. I told him I was already doing one four-hour round trip, and I didn’t plan on making another one on the assumption that Advil should take care of it. Once he finally realized I knew “Dentist Speak”, he prescribed something stronger than Advil. I can say right now without a doubt, I was right. At this point in time Advil wouldn’t touch what is going on in my mouth.

So I’m at home, just my mouth and me when I get a call from the optical shop in the city. My new glasses are in. I obviously can’t drive to get them so I get my brother to drive me to the city to pick them up. This is to the near city so it’s only a little over an hour and a half to get there and back. We get back and that’s when I look in the mirror and I see myself with my new teeth and glasses. I start thinking to myself, with the new teeth if I didn’t have that big nose and big ears and generally the face I have, I could be a handsome dude. But if all else fails, I do have handsome teeth, even if they are false. Now that I think of it, I feel like I just walked out of a plastic surgeons office after getting some silicone injections. Go figure.