Mundane Doesn't Describe It

For the slackatudinally challenged.

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I have never taken any exercise except sleeping and resting. Mark Twain, Hard work doesn't harm anyone, but I do not want to take any chances. - Unknown, I am retired and have tried to do as little as possible - slowly. Me.

Monday, October 15, 2007

Tales From The FM Zone.

For your perusal and reading pleasure, Tales from the FM zone. Which I might add are all true, and it’s a lot of stories, so it’s a long post.

Part I – Moving Into The Trailer From Hell

Once I finally got my divorce, I was transferred from Texas to Mississippi. I knew I didn’t want to live in any dorm, so I tried to find a place that was within my budget, which was very miniscule. I found an old trailer outside of the bases gates, and it was the kind of trailer parks that if you saw it, you would want to drive on by. All of the trailers were old, run down and in need of repair. I’ve always thought you get what you pay for, and I paid very little for this trailer, so you can imagine what I got. The owner of the park said to give it a week so she would have the trailer cleaned. A week later, I go in and wonder what the hell they had done. The place was a wreck. I cleaned for a week before I moved anything of mine in there. As I was to find out, I was one of the few people there to have a telephone and car in the park. Within a week, I had people coming over to use the phone, did I have anything to drink and even can I borrow you car for a minute. I had to put the kibosh on a lot of that stuff, but whenever someone really needed the phone for something important; I’d usually let them do that.

The first story has to do with my neighbor’s mother. I would say she looked to be about 76. I don’t know if it was from a hard life of drinking or what, but a beauty queen she wasn’t. She would come over and use the phone a lot. After awhile she got to talking about how difficult it was to live with her grown children, and how she needed a man in her life. She had told me that her grown children were by the last man she lived with, and who had the tenacity to die on her. However during this time he wouldn’t leave his wife. Obviously when she starts talking this, I get nervous and tell her I just got out of a bad relationship and wasn’t looking for another one. A couple of days later, I go to get into my car to go to work. I see under the window wiper a napkin. I get it and it’s doused in perfume. Written on the inside was the words, “I really really like you and would do whatever you wanted.” I’m standing by my car and the only thing I can say is “Oh God, Oh God.” I kept saying that all the way to work and while still saying Oh God I hand the note to my boss. I had told him what was going on, and he pieced the pieces together and he started laughing. Laughing so hard he’s falling in the floor. I’m still saying “Oh God, Oh God, Oh God.” Things finally start to settle down at work, with the exception that one of my co-workers would grab the napkin and run it by my head and say things like, “It smells so purty.” Well the end of the day finally came and I had to go home. I drove very slowly because I didn’t want to be home that day. I’m finally in the house and ten minutes later I hear a knock. I already know who it’s going to be, and I start my “Oh God, Oh God” litany again. She is at the door and wants to use the phone. I said sure and this time I have every window and door open. She makes a short call and then sits down to talk to me. The litany is going at hyper speed in my skull now. She told me that her and her daughter in law thought it would be a good joke to put the napkin on the window. I told her it certainly caught my attention. Then she just came out and told me she was looking for a man to live with, and I appeared to be a nice man. If it were possible I would have been bouncing off the walls by this time. I explained to her again that I had just gotten out of a really bad relationship, and I wasn’t looking to get into another one. I think she finally got the message, but she would still come over to use the phone and every now and then drop a hint. Luckily about a month later she and her family left. Then about 5 months later I hear a pounding on my door in the middle of the night. I get up and look out the door, and see it’s her son. He reeks of alcohol and he told me he had run out of gas, and could I loan him $5:00 for gas. I told him to stay there and closed the door and go and get $5:00. He started to seem a little pissed that I didn’t have $10.00 to give him, but I told him that was all and closed the door. Of course I stayed up a couple hours after that to see if he came back.

Part II - The Tombstone At The Corner Of My Trailer.

As with any new place you move to, you check the outside and around the trailer/house. After I moved in and finally got around to this, I notice two things. One - a flattened tombstone right at the corner of my trailer, and two - a garden hose running under my trailer. Well the tombstone freaked me out. It gave the guys name, the date of his death and that he died in the Korean War. Needless to say I was starting to get a little worried about living in a cemetery. It took me awhile to realize, but the trailers were so close that when I was trying to sleep, someone walking in their trailer sounded and felt like someone was walking in my trailer. Now I’ve never owned a gun, but I did sleep with the biggest butcher’s knife I had by the bed every night. There were a lot of long sleepless night while my neighbors were walking around in their house. I later found out that there was a monument company in town, and the trailer park owners had bought a bunch of practice stones to use as path liners to the trailers. Obviously with the inscription sides turned down. By the time I moved there this was the only one left and the inscription was up. By now you’re wondering what about the garden hose going under the trailer. I found out that was the water supply going into the trailer. It really came to home during the first freeze. No water in the trailer and I had to gather up all my stuff and run to the gym on base to just get a shower before I went to work. OK I’ve been through the worst, so it has to get better……..

Part III – I’m Innocent.

One day I was pulling up to my place and I see local and state police cars all around my trailer and the one across the street. It was lunchtime and I had to pick up Henry to go to the vet. While pulling into and out of my street, there where police cars, paddy wagons and other vehicles there to pick up things. I pick up George and take him to the vet. When I finally arrived back home, I see more police cars and my next door neighbor being led away in handcuffs. Later on, on the news I found out that she and some other guy had been robbing the U-Store-It places close by. Now I have to admit I liked this woman. She had two little twin girls that loved to play with Henry and George when I took them outside, and she was always nice to me. She had come by the trailer a couple of times to use the telephone. I was going home every week at that time, and I had asked her would she keep an eye on my place while I was gone. I found out that her husband wasn’t arrested because he said he knew nothing about it. I found that kind of hard to believe. Your place is filling up with stuff that your spouse in bringing in at the middle of the night. I don’t know. But I am glad they didn’t arrest him. The couple had five kids and I’m glad they left one parent there for the kids.

Part IV – Get Away From the GD Door!

This tale is about being in the trailer asleep one night; I hear George and Henry barking like crazy. I run up to the front door, and I can hear someone jiggling the door handle, trying to get in. Obviously I had everything locked, but this idiot was still trying to get into my door. Being the highly intelligent person I was, I started yelling at the door to get the hell away because I had a shotgun and I’d blow their damned head off. Obviously I didn’t have a shotgun, but I was trying to put up the biggest show I could. This idiot keeps trying for a little while longer and then leaves. Of course I was up all night sitting in a chair listening for anything. I’ve complained many times about George being a yapper. When I lived in that trailer, that was a definite plus.

So ends the tales of my trailer living. I have to say there is nothing wrong with living in a trailer, but as with a house, you just have to pick your neighborhood. Plus as I said before, you get what you pay for.

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